America, the World’s Nicest Chimichanga

Much of the fan mail that Grover gets these days reveals the public’s real lack of understanding of American politics. While the two most popular types of emails that Grover gets through his telegrammaphonic message center are along the lines of “didn’t you die in 1908?” and “would you please stop calling me and then hanging up?” there are also inquiries into why this blog is so ridiculous. Angry emails pour in almost daily, berating poor Grover for his absurd takes on serious subjects like the occupation of Iraq, the viability of the Bush Doctrine, and the recent disaster in the Gulf Coast. Sure, a lot of this angry email is probably coming from our rival site, “Rutherford B. Hayes and Coworkers,” but some of it seems genuine. It's either that, or the blog-reading public has once again confused Grover Cleveland with Roger Ebert. It happens.

But this blog isn’t any different than politics in general – it’s just a little more upfront about the fact that all politics are pretty absurd. People who spend too much time discussing policy and politics need to step back every once in a while and realize how dumb most of it is. As far as I can tell, it’s a collection of buzzwords propping up two opposing arguments, neither of which is tenured to any principle other than opposing its rival. So I say embrace the idiocy, and cast your memory back to some of the recent dumb and absurd moments of the American presidency.

“I am not a crook” – Richard Nixon, Nov. 17, 1973 (Yes you are, you jackass.)

“We can find meaning and reward by serving some purpose higher than ourselves—a shining purpose, the illumination of a thousand points of light.” –George Bush, January 29, 1991

"[W]hen I was in England I experimented with marijuana a time or two, and I didn't like it. I didn't inhale." –Bill Clinton, March 30, 1992

“I did not have sexual relations with that woman – Ms. Lewinsky” –Bill Clinton, January 26, 1998

"This notion that the United States is getting ready to attack Iran is simply ridiculous. And having said that, all options are on the table." -George W. Bush, February 22, 2005

"Well, we've made the decision to defeat the terrorists abroad so we don't have to face them here at home. And when you engage the terrorists abroad, it causes activity and action." –George W, Bush., April 28, 2005

So just remember that you can respond with equal force to any political campaign by launching into a soliloquy of the virtues of early nineteenth century utilitarianism and its lasting effects on American federalism, or by opening a can of Goya beans and throwing the contents at passing motorists while demanding an up-or-down vote. Either way, your response will be just as valid as that of our ruling class. So you may as well do it Grover's way.


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